I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
