Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
