Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
two words: eviction party
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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