Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
