oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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