I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
