She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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