OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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