He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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