She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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