ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
