I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
