His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
