there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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