my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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