My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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