I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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