one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I need to align my fucking chakras
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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