How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize