did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Randomize