im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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