You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize