well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
they need to just BURY HIM!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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