ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
