He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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