You're so nebulous sometimes
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
