he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
