You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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