if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize