I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
