you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
