I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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