Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
