On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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