Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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