I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
