My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
