I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
