Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
