Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
