I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
