fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
