At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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