his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
