sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
