Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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