He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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