yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
