ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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