the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
