So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
