I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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