im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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