no, he came in my armpit
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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