I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
