You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
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