I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
did you just send me my own nude
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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